Have you ever been in a situation where you were feeling down? (Everyone raising their hands). Maybe it was from being passed over for a job promotion, your last child going off to college, or because someone drank the last glass of wine on a night when you really needed a glass of wine.
How does it make you feel when you’re explaining to someone how you feel and they respond with “It’s ok – be happy!”. Great – now I am not only feeling down, but I am also feeling angry!
That’s because positivity is not always a good thing.
Sometimes what someone really needs to hear is that their feelings are valid. Only after validation and allowing the other person to share their experience is it appropriate to shift the conversation in a positive way.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the notion that individuals should maintain a positive outlook no matter how challenging or tough a situation is. While being optimistic and thinking positively can be beneficial, toxic positivity dismisses all difficult emotions in favor of a cheerful and often insincere façade. You may do this to yourself, as well.
Having a positive perspective on life is beneficial for your mental well-being. However, life isn’t always positive. We all encounter painful emotions and experiences. Although often unpleasant, these emotions need to be felt and addressed openly and honestly to achieve better psychological health.
If you find yourself using Toxic Positivity by suppressing your real emotions, here are some tips to help you address those moments in a healthy manner.
What does Toxic Positivity sound like?
Note: Toxic positivity doesn’t only come from others. We can exhibit this harmful habit upon ourselves as well. All the statements below are well intended. Learn how to use them at the right time.
- “Ohhh Don’t cry – you’re going to make me cry too!” Did you know – when you
cry the stress hormone, cortisol, is released through your tears? That is why
people generally feel better after crying. So let them cry! - “Look on the bright side.”
- “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
- “Stop – its going to be fine!”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
Healthy, Non-Toxic Responses when helping others:
- I am listening.
- I am here no matter what.
- That must be hard.
- How can I help?
- I can understand why you would feel that way.
- Say nothing but nod your head as acceptance of their feelings.
- I am sorry to hear that.
How to handle Toxic Positivity from Others
Not everyone realizes that their optimism can be harmful. We generally share things with people we know well and in that case, you know what to expect from them. If you expect them to interrupt, try to fix it or try to make you feel better with the “well intended” but toxic statements – start the conversation by telling them what you need; for them to listen and not try to fix it. This works well in intimate relationships.
When is it ok to bring in the Positivity?
Timing is everything. Knowing what to say and when to say it is a skill. At first – just listen and validate. Allow as much time to pass as needed for them to share the story and for you to validate. When you sense they are starting to feel better because of your amazing listening skills – test a bit of positivity to see if it lands. If it does – keep going. If not – draw it back.
Being mindful of Toxic Positivity will lead to a better relationship with yourself and others. Restock the wine – raise your glass and cheers to building better and stronger relationships!