Awww Dating! It can be the most fun you have ever had or the worst experience of your life. Dating is at the top of the list of most vulnerable things anyone can do. By putting yourself out there, you are opening yourself up to the possibility of feeling rejected, having your heart broken, or wasting your time on horrible dates. Especially if you are dating after 40.

On the other hand, you could also be opening yourself up to fun, connection, and love!

Brene Brown is a professor, lecturer and author who has done extensive research on vulnerability. She found that the same place in the brain where fear lives is the same place in the brain where love and joy live. What that means is that if you do not allow yourself to be vulnerable – you are also keeping yourself from finding joy and love.

However, it is not always easy moving into the dating world after 40 because of the baggage we may be hanging onto from our previous relationships. And throughout my coaching career, I have seen many people making the mistake of dating before they are truly emotionally available.

Here are some tips for those that want to find a quality relationship after 40.

1- Heal From Past Relationships

Do not start dating until you are no longer emotionally connected to your ex. How do you know if you are still emotionally connected? Use this trick: When you think of your ex, how do you feel? Do you feel angry? Hurt? Betrayed? Sadness? Love? If you feel any of these things or more – you are still emotionally connected. If you take that into another relationship, the chances of it working out are slim. Face it – bitter is not attractive!

In addition – do not get into a relationship with anyone who is emotionally connected to their ex. You will be able to tell by the way they describe the person. Use your intuition. You will be able to tell if they are past it or not. Just like they will be able to tell it from you.

So the question is, how do you heal from the past relationship? Find the blessing in it.

What did you learn? What will you do differently when picking a new partner? How did this experience help you grow as a person? It may be difficult to go there if you are still harboring resentment, however, it is essential in moving forward that you focus on the positive when moving on, as opposed to, focusing on what was bad.

2-Work on Yourself

If you want to be in a relationship so that you can be happy – you have some work to do. It is not fair to give your “soon to be” partner a JOB in the relationship such as making you happy. The best relationships are not formed from this type of need. They are formed when two people are already happy – and they come together to enhance each other’s lives. Enhancement is shown in the way of supporting each other’s goals, learning from each other, respecting each other’s differing points of view, and being your biggest cheerleader.

Find what YOUR passions are. How can you take this time in your life of singlehood and become your best self? How can you grow? Setting a goal and reaching it is one of the best things anyone can do for a confidence boost.

3-Watch your stories

It is not true that all the “good people are taken” after 40. Have you met every single good person out there? No.

It is not true that dating over 40 is harder. It should be easier because you are not meeting someone in a dim lite bar where the music is so loud you can barely hear each other. Most people over 40 are not meeting in nightclubs so you get to meet them in their natural habitat – the coffee shop, the book store, or picking out pickles at the grocery store (True story!).

It is not true that people online do not take dating seriously. Considering changing your profile to state that you are looking for a relationship and the kind of person you are looking for. I have my clients create a top five values list of what they are looking for in a partner and have them use it on their profiles. It has helped reduce non-qualified people.

Your stories become your reality. If you know the right person is out there – you will find them! Enjoy the process along the way. Have fun with it.

4-It is not Covid’s fault

You may think that COVID is a good reason to not put yourself out there. The truth is that COVID is forcing people to get to know each other on a deeper level before meeting in person! COVID is making dating easier by not having to leave your house. You can have a video chat while in your PJ’s. Hello!

It is human nature to want to be with a partner. We are a species that likes connection with one another. If you are looking to date after 40, take these tips and implement them. See what happens!

I wish you the best in finding love, joy and happiness within yourself and them with another.

Your Life Coach – Traci