“Why do I keep failing when trying to change a habit? Why can’t I just stop smoking, drinking, overeating, watching too much tv, or shopping?“
Do you relate to any of these statements?
If you have tried quitting something and weren’t successful, chances are you have suffered from feeling guilt, shame, or frustration with yourself. If you were not able to change disempowering habits – listen up!
I am going to set you free right now with 5 words-
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
That’s right. It is not your fault you have a hard time changing your habits. You aren’t lazy. You aren’t unmotivated. You aren’t any of the things the world or your inner voice has said. And here is why.
Your brain’s job is to find ways to make you more “energy-efficient”. This means it is constantly paying attention to the things you do consistently so that these behaviors can be put on autopilot. In autopilot, less mental energy is exerted, and the brain is happy with the results.
Your brain would rather have you on autopilot as much as possible because it needs to use your mental energy for things that require conscious thought.
What requires Conscious thought?
Basically, any decision or behavior that you do that is NOT already a habit or pattern.
When was the last time you had to consciously think about waking up and making coffee? What about the order you get ready in the morning? What about the act of brushing your teeth? How about your route to the gym, your kid’s school, or to work?
Okay, when have you had to think about eating, drinking alcohol, smoking, or shopping when you are stressed? It almost feels like you are on auto-pilot, right?
Here is where the “ITS NOT YOUR FAULT” freedom chant comes in. Understanding what is happening in your brain when you want to make changes is extremely important! And it’s the thing that has been missing from several programs I’ve seen on habit change.
Think of your conscious brain as having a little guy in a lab coat in charge.
Let’s call him Larry. Larry has a note pad and his sole responsibility is to pay attention to the things that you do on a daily basis. Like – everything from the time you wake up until you fall asleep. Can you imagine how tired Lab Coat Larry is on a daily basis? However, Larry has learned that he can save energy by watching for patterns. And during the times in which you are engaged in a pattern of behavior (something you do consistently like sleep in, eat sugar, drink coffee, drink wine, eat out) he gets to sit down and take a break. He gets to put his feet up and relax. It’s a benefit for Lab Coat Larry, right? So he is going to look for EVERY opportunity to find the things you do consistently – whether good or bad – and put them on autopilot as mentioned above.
But now, you have come to the conclusion that you do not want to sleep in anymore.
You want to go to the gym. You have decided you do not want to rely on wine for your relaxation, or to smoke, spend money you don’t have, or eat fast food.
That’s awesome!
Except, getting out of the habit is much more challenging than getting into the habit because Lab Coat Larry doesn’t want you to change. When he notices you not living in your usual pattern, he will panic and hit the “URGE” button steering you back into the direction of your old pattern. If that doesn’t work, he will hit the “EXCUSE” button and you’ll suddenly be hearing a voice in your head telling you why it is ok to quit. Sound familiar?
How do you win the battle with Lab Coat Larry and make new habits?
The good news is that all you need to do is be consistent in your new behavior long enough for Larry to see it as a new pattern. When it becomes a pattern, he gets to rest again. In that time frame the urges slow down and you have successfully proven to yourself that you are capable of change. That instills belief in yourself which also creation motivation to keep going.
So you see, it is not your fault that you keep failing. You simply did not understand what was happening in your brain and how hard Larry was working against you to ensure that you failed.
Here are five tips to winning over Lab Coat Larry and create new habits.
- Start small. If you want to lose 50lbs, start with a goal of losing 5-10lbs. Then increase it from there. If you want to run a 5K – start with a goal to run 2 miles. If you want to start a morning routine, start with a goal of getting up 30 minutes earlier as opposed to 2 hours. You can work your way up to your big goal. The smaller steps will help you build momentum and will not be such a shock to Larry.
- Decide specifically which behavior you want to change. For instance, “I want to be healthy” is pretty vage. What does healthy mean to you? Is it to eat more fruits and veggies, cut out pop, reduce carbs? Be specific when you are changing your habit. Then you can make changes that support that goal. If eatting more fruits and beggies are your goal to be healthy, make sure you are prepping them out so they are easy to grab. Cut up carrots ready to go are going to get eatten. Carrots in the bag unwashed in the back of your produce drawer are not.
- Be consistent with that behavior for 67-90 days. I know. This feels like a long time. The brain needs time to reall adjust. It takes repetition to make a habit and research shows it can take up to 3 months to really solidify it.
- Celebrate every time you engage in the new behavior. When I started going to gym after 20 years of starting and stopping I would say “Great job Traci” with a smile on my face after each class as I was walking to my car. Celebrations alert Larry that what you just did was good and activates your reward system. So even though it might feel silly, verbally congratulate yourself. Smile. Give yourself a pat on the back. Hell jump up and down! Just make it known to Larry that you are celebrating.
- Talk to Larry. If you feel the urges are getting hard to manage – let Larry know how you feel. “I see you Larry!! You are not going to win Larry! Go sit back down Larry!” (If you want to change the name from Larry to something else that motivates you – go for it!) Just by letting Larry know that you are on to him will stop you from being in that autopilot mode and really think about what is oging on.
Knowledge is power. And what is even more powerful than knowledge is execution. Do not ever give up on creating the life you desire! If you fall off or give in to the habit, know that you are human and you can try again.
If you want even more knowledge and support on how to create habits that last check out my self-paced course: Change your Brain, Change your Habit, Change your Life! You can even catch a free masterclass on habits here.
Your Life Coach – Traci