When you think of your habits – either good or bad – what do you think of? Do you think of the actions that you take such as the food that you choose to eat, whether you move your body enough or if you smoke, drink, or spend too much money? If so – yes – those are, of course, habits. But, habits are not only the things that we “do”. You can also create habits in your communication such as chronic negativity, gossiping and complaining. Just like any other habit we create – the origin of the behavior becomes habitual because it gives us something that the brain views as a reward.
If you are always negative or complaining, you may be getting a sense of significance or control. Or you may be modeling what you learned from your parents/caregivers when you were growing up. But lets keep it real…
No one likes being around chronic complainer!
If this is you – you may find your social circle shrinking and often times find yourself in a bad mood. The good news is you can change this! To stop the habit of complaining you will use the same logic as you would changing a behavioral habit. (Pst, I have a brand new online course about changing habits. If you want to change your life check it out.)
There are several psychological reason’s as to why people complain. As a Life Coach who has worked with hundreds of clients, I have seen a pattern in those that are chronic complainers.
Here are 5 ways that you can stop your habit of being a complainer, increase your social circle and change your mood quickly.
1.Stop the need to control everything and stop being judgmental.
Complaining is most often noticed when your expectations are not being met, such as, other people’s actions or an event or situation that did not go your way. News Flash: YOU CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE, EVENTS OR SITUATIONS. Write this down. Say it to yourself throughout the day.
You have to stop living in how you believe things “SHOULD” be and start seeing things as they “ARE”. When you say the word “should/shouldn’t” – that is a sign that you are judging a situation or person based on your opinion. Before you say anything that is negative – consider finding something good about the situation instead.
2.Analyze what complaining is giving you.
How do you feel when you complain? Do you feel in control? Do you feel significant? Do you feel like the smartest person in the room? Do you feel complaining protects you? If you aren’t sure, take notice the next time you complain how you feel.
There are positive and negative ways to get our needs met. Complaining and the feeling you get are a negative way to get those needs met. After you find the feeling about why you are complaining – find a better method to obtain that feeling.
3.Get ahead of the complaining.
If you are no longer in denial that you are a “complainer” –Congratulations! Now you can plan for when you travel, meet with friends or family, or attend an event by telling yourself “Things may not go my way today but THAT’S OK!” Or try “I will accept things as they are”. Choose your motto and stick to it.
4.Follow the 90 second rule.
The truth is that we all complain. But, if you are a chronic complainer who can find something wrong with everything – complain for only 90 seconds. The longer we complain the more negative our mood becomes. And the more negative our mood becomes the more you will find things to complain about. After complaining for 90 seconds end the conversation with one thing that is good. This will start to shift your mindset to start seeing what is going well, as opposed to, what you see as bad.
5.Create an identity around being more positive.
What ever follow’s “I AM” is how we show up in the world. If you are no longer in denial and know that you are someone who judges others or complains often – give yourself a new “I AM” statement. If you want to be more positive – describe yourself as such. “I AM someone who see’s the positive in everything” OR “I am learning how to see things in a more positive way.”
If you are consistent in doing one or all of these five things, you will start to feel differently. There are a million things to complain about and there are a million things to find gratitude in. You choose which one you want to focus on. One brings you closer to people and increases your mood – the other shrinks your social circle and leaves your in a bad mood.
Which will you choose?
Your Life Coach – Traci