Have you ever considered how feeling frustrated, angry, sad or disappointed could be beneficial to you? While we often consider these emotions disempowering, they are only disempowering if you stay in these states for a long period of time. A “long period of time”, in my opinion, is 5 minutes or more with the ideal amount of time being only 90 seconds.
When you feel safe to vent your feelings for 5 minutes or less, you are releasing stress hormones which is good for your health. Any time spent venting or complaining after 5 minutes enhances the emotion you were originally feeling which is bad for your health. You may think that venting longer than 5 minutes helps you but I promise you, it does not.
Equally as harmful to your health is ignoring your disempowering emotion because you think you should not feel the way you do. You are judging yourself for not being more positive. You may try to suppress the emotion by declaring you do not have time to focus on such disempowering emotional nonsense. There is a term for this. It is called Toxic Positivity.
Experiencing Toxic Positivity from Yourself
Toxic Positivity is the belief that you or others “should” maintain a positive mindset no matter what the situation is. You may call it being a “Glass Half Full” type of person or being overly optimistic. As human beings, it is not possible to be authentically positive 100% of the time.
If you are someone who relates to using Toxic Positivity on yourself – here are four tips to help you address those moments in a healthy way:
- Cry! Crying releases, the stress hormone Cortisol through your tears and can help you feel better. This is why you feel so good after a big cry.
- Watch Your Language! Pay attention to the language you are using when talking out loud and also your internal dialogue. For example: “I shouldn’t feel like that”. A statement that includes the word “shouldn’t” means you are judging yourself. If you are feeling it – trust yourself and make it ok. If you are upset, it is okay to feel upset! But adding on judgement will only make you feel worse.
- Acknowledge all of your feelings. Recognize that it is possible to feel 2 things at once. It is ok to feel anger for the loss of a relationship and love for that person at the same time. Its okay to feel sad for things ending and happiness for new beginnings. It may feel confusing but its important to nurture both feelings.
- Make it ok to not be ok for 5 minutes or less. Again, it is so important to feel your feelings. Take 5 minutes to feel, vent, and get the feelings out. After 5 minutes, commit to moving on from that emotion. If it strikes again – you get another 5 minutes or less. This is the best thing you can do for your emotional health. Feel > Express > Move on.
*NOTE: These tips do not apply if you are dealing with grief. The healthy way to grieve is to allow yourself to feel the pain, sadness and tears with no time limit attached for the first year. If after a year you are still depressed – seek help from a professional.
Toxic Positivity From Others
Toxic Positivity can also be felt from other people. It may present itself in a moment when you want to share your feelings for 5 minutes and instead of allowing for you to feel that emotion, they tell you “Its ok! Things will be better tomorrow,” “Don’t be mad – its ok”, or “Just stay positive!”
While this may sound nice and comforting, (or maybe it doesn’t) it completely dismisses your feelings and can actually leave you feeling shameful for feeling your emotions. It also causes anxiety, depression, and other mental stress because you start in with the negative self talk.
More than likely, the other person does not mean to be showing you toxic positiity. They either feel uncomfortable, do not know what else to say, or they love you and do not want to see you in pain. It is important that you tell the other person what you need from them. It may be to just listen or to validate your feelings. Do not expect for people to be mind readers. It is your responsibility to tell others what you need from them.
How to stop being a Toxic person.
If you recognize yourself as using toxic positivity on others do not worry! You did not know it was bad and now that you know, you can start to respond differently. #themoreyouknow
Here are just a few examples of non-toxic responses that you can use in place of your previous responses:
- I am listening.
- I am here no matter what.
- That must be hard.
- How can I help?
- I can understand why you would be feeling that way.
- Say nothing but nod your head in response.
When you are being the supporter you may feel you do not want to validate their feelings because you believe their emotion is irrational or overdramatic. Remember, your role is not to judge that person’s feelings – it is to give them a safe place to express themselves.
When is the right time to insert some positivity?
Timing is everything. It is a skill to be able to know what to say to someone and when to say it so that you are helping them as opposed to harming them. When someone initially tells you about a situation that has them feeling a non-positive emotion – that is the time to listen. The next time they bring it up you can validate their feelings and start to sprinkle in a little positivity. It is all in the timing!
In the end, being mindful of Toxic Positivity will lead to a better relationship with yourself and with others.
Your Life Coach – Traci
P.S. If you would like to watch a video coaching on this topic, checkout this Facebook live.