When I was 19, I was out of town at a bar with some people I hardly knew. I had just met this girl at work and she invited me to hang out with her and her friends. They were a mix of boys and girls. When we were leaving the bar, everyone looked around asking who was going to drive. They all seemingly looked at me because I did not drink as much as everyone else. “Sure! I’ll drive!” I did not even hesitate. Why? Because I did not want to be the A-hole that said no. I did not want to deal with possibly feeling rejected.
Ten minutes later, we were pulled over and I got an OWI. It sucked. What sucked even more was that the cop simply asked who was the least drunk of the bunch and let them drive home. WTF? He did not even test them. I got a deferred sentence which was common in 1989. I had to serve 100 hours of community service, pay a fine, get a work permit as I was only allowed to drive to work for months and had to pay SR22 insurance. And for what? For a bunch of people, I did not even know. All so that I would not feel rejected. That “friend” got fired 2 weeks later. We didn’t stay in touch.
Even though it wasn’t a life altering experience (except for the next 2 years of being on a restricted license) it was only the beginning of many poor decision’s I made in the name of not feeling rejected.
My 50 year old self hates to think about those times. But they still come up. Those memories are hanging out in my subconscious and occasionally one of them will come out to play like “Remember when THAT happened? Remember how bad that made you feel? Remember when you made the worse decision ever? Ok – awesome! Just wanted to make sure you haven’t forgotten – Carry on.”
Stupid Subconscious. It does not forget ANYTHING. And that is the truth. The subconscious stores memories from our past and then filters that experience as being either good, bad, or neutral. When you have a memory that makes you want to cry, scream, or poke your eye – those are the bad kind.
So – what are we supposed to do about it?
1. Accept that it happened and stop with the What If’s
The “What If’s” are sometimes worse than the actual event itself. Example: If that would have never happened, this glorious thing would be happening in my life right now. If that would not have happened, my life would be so much better.
We simply do NOT know that. Do not hang out in that space. Instead, focus on how you grew because of that experience. How has it impacted your life in a positive way. When changing your perspective your brain will not initially be on board with that. It may be telling you NOTHING was good about THAT experience (angry Face). Its ok – the brain will do that. The brain likes to hang out in a negative place. It also likes to hang out in places that it is used to being. So if you’ve had this “story” around your experience and how bad its been – finding a different outlook may feel foreign. However, it’s necessary if you want to move on from it. It is also possible! Try journaling about your experience focusing on how you are going to forgive yourself and what you learned from that experience.
2. Change the story about what it means
Our stories define us. Examples of stories are:
“Because this happened, I do not deserve love.”
“Because this happened, I do not deserve to be happy.”
“Because this happened I am a worthless loser.”
Fill in the blank of your story here._____________________
If you have these disempowering bullsh*t stories, then that is exactly what you will create in your life. In the coaching world we call this sitting in your own dirty diaper. You will BE all these things simply by identifying with it. Choose to have a different story. What you deserve is to set yourself free.
3. Remember that no one is thinking about your actions as much as you are.
I remind myself of this all the time. If I knew that no one remembered the poor decisions I made, I would no longer care as much about them. Anyone else feeling that too? The truth is – most people have forgotten because we are simply not that important for someone to think about as much as we think they might! Think about it, how many times today have you thought about someone else’s look, job, status, etc.? Probably none or if you did, not nearly as much as you thought about your self and your own life.
We may never be free of any future decisions that we regret. It is a natural part of life. What is not a natural part of life is suffering with those decisions. Pain is natural and short lived. Suffering is a choice and is long lasting. But what is also long lasting is life! Life can be the most amazing experience ever if you forgive yourself, live in empowering stories and learn from your experiences.
Your Life Coach – Traci