We all have regrets in life where we look back and think, “That wasn’t the smartest decision.” Like in 1984 when I wore parachute pants in 95-degree weather when our high school didn’t have air conditioning. Or, when I was 14 and stole my brother’s car. I was busted. Mom didn’t care that my best friend didn’t have a ride to our house otherwise. Grounded for a month.
The 1980’s were full of bad decisions but then again – we were kids. We were testing rules and pushing the limits. These are things that we can look back on and laugh about. But what about those decisions that have haunted us for years? The decisions that are life-altering.
As Generation X women, many of us carry these regrets from the past, decisions that linger in our minds, casting long shadows over our present happiness. Whether it’s a career choice, a relationship, a personal decision, or a missed opportunity, these regrets can be hard to shake. But why do these past decisions haunt us, and how can we finally move past them?
Why We Can’t Stop Thinking About Past Regrets
1. Emotional Attachment: Significant decisions/events/situations from our lives are often tied to strong emotions. This emotional intensity makes these memories vivid and hard to forget.
2. Unresolved Issues: Regrets often stem from unresolved situations or feelings. Our minds keep returning to them, trying to find closure.
3. Perfectionism: Many of us hold ourselves to high standards. It’s hard to let go of the perceived failure when we fall short.
4. Fear of Missed Opportunities: We worry that our past decisions have closed doors to opportunities, making it difficult to focus on the present and future.
5. Stuck in Fantasy Mode: We can get into a state of mind where we believe that had we made a different decision we’d be in a better place today. That we’d be happier. That somehow the other decision would have held the key to our happiness.
5 Steps to Move Past Regret
1. Acknowledge and Accept: The first step is acknowledging your feelings without judgment. Accept that it’s normal to feel regret; it’s a natural human emotion. If the regret you feel is keeping you from a fulfilling life today – seek therapy. There is an emotional wound that needs repair.
2. Reflect Constructively: Instead of dwelling on the past, reflect on what you learned from the experience. How has it shaped you? What strengths have you gained? What do you have today that you would not have had if you hadn’t made that decision?
3. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s part of being human. If the decision/event/situation that you regret was when you were in your teens or 20’s –consider that you made that decision because it was something that you thought you needed or wanted at that time. You cannot compare the past “you” to who you are today. Your values are different now. You’re more mature now. Your brain works differently now. You may have more confidence now. If the event happened when you were older find the lesson in it. What was that event meant to teach you? What did that situation teach you about yourself?
4. Focus on the Present: Mindfulness can be a powerful tool. We have 3 kinds of thoughts – thoughts about the past, thoughts about the present, and thoughts about the future. Thoughts of the past are memories. Thoughts of the future are imagination. The only thing that is real is the present moment. Engage in activities that keep you grounded in the present moment, reducing the mental space available for past regrets.
5. Stop Fantasizing: Often we make up stories in our mind of how our lives would have been changed had we made a different decision. You may imagine your life today as a much happier person had you made a different decision. However, there is no way to know that. How could you know that? Since we cannot go back in time – focus on today. Today is not a made-up fantasy. Today is the only thing that is real. Focus on your life in this moment. That’s what is real.
Remember, every decision, right or wrong, has contributed to the person you are today. Embrace your past, learn from it, and step confidently into your future. Your journey is uniquely yours, and every chapter, even the regrettable ones, adds to the richness of your story.