What is the scariest word in human existence that has the potential to cause the most amount of emotional pain? It’s the word that most people try to run away from? It’s the V word – Vulnerability. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable means that you are taking risks that may (or may not) result in you feeling pain. Pain from rejection, judgement, heartbreak, and the unknown.
For you to be in an emotionally vulnerable situation generally means three things.
- You are faced with a decision where the outcome is uncertain.
- The decision you are making could cause emotional pain if not obtained.
- If obtained it would have great benefits to your life.
Brene Brown, a professor who has spent many years researching the V word, says that vulnerability lives in the same place in the brain as joy. So essentially, if you avoid acting on vulnerable opportunities, you are also cutting yourself off from potential joy.
It begs the question – what kind of life would you have if you did not allow yourself to take risks as a way to avoid pain? What kind of life WOULD you have if you took chances because the potential outcome would bring you so much joy?
I will never forget my first heartbreak. I was in 10th grade. My boyfriend of three months broke up with me and he started to see someone else right away. Devastation! My poor little 15-year-old heart would have done anything to stop the pain I was feeling. One night, I cut his initials in my arm. And although it was dumb – it felt good in the moment to have the pain redirected somewhere away from my heart. That was the intensity of the pain I was feeling. The distraction only lasted 30 minutes.
After 30 minutes, the pain went back to my heart and now, I had a broken heart AND a monogram of my X boyfriends initials bleeding down my arm. (Great move, Traci!) That 15 year old girl had a choice. To never have another boyfriend EVER, no boyfriend – no pain, or to take my broken heart and reframe what this break up meant.
Many more situations arose where my ability to be vulnerable was tested. From interviewing for job promotions, starting my own business (what will people think), giving my (ex) marriage another chance, starting a new gym where people are stronger and more in shape then me (possible judgment) and so on….
Brene Brown says the opposite of vulnerability is courage. I couldn’t agree more.
Here are 3 ways to own vulnerability, find your courage, and/or to tend to your wound(s).
1.Reframing is KEY!
“Nothing has any meaning except the meaning you give it.” – Tony Robbins. Although the break up story was long ago, it can apply to anyone who is afraid to enter a relationship at any stage of life. With my first experience, it wasn’t the actual breakup that caused me the pain. It was the meaning I put behind it.
“I am not good enough or pretty enough. I am not loveable.”
Unbearable things to think any age. At 15, I could have used Tony’s advice and reframed what it meant. For example, it may not have been that I was not good enough, pretty enough, or loveable at all! Maybe I was TOO good, I was TOO pretty, I was super loveable. Instead of being not enough, I was TOO much and all those things were intimidating to him. Even if it isn’t true – it is up to me to reframe it into anything I want the meaning to be so that I can feel good, as opposed to, crappy. Reframing would have set me free!
2. Let go of the belief that if you control everything you will avoid feeling pain.
You will not want to hear this but here it goes – You do not have total control of the Universe! Therefore, being controlling does not do anything except annoy the people around you. You cannot control all events, all people, and all situations. And trying to do so is a wasted effort and will cause a great deal of disappointment, anxiety, and frustration. Instead, put all that energy you are using to control the universe into only focusing on the thing that you have actual control over – Yourself! (Then go to back to Step 1)
3. Say yes to every opportunity with courage.
Reframing is a skill and it takes practice. The more situations you put yourself in, the better you become. And more importantly, the more situations you put yourself in, the more joy you will find!
Remember, you are enough and completely worthy of all the joy that will come your way! Apply for the new job, go for the promotion, go on that date, and take risks.
Your Life Coach – Traci