I read a story in Psychology Today called The Pot Roast Principle years ago and I use it all the time to describe how patterns in our behavior are passed down from generations and many times we do not even know why we are doing it. Whether it is a good pattern, a bad pattern or a neutral pattern. Here is the story from the article:
One day after school a young girl noticed that her mom was cutting off the ends of a pot roast before putting it in the oven to cook for dinner. She had seen her mom do this many times before but had never asked her why. So, this time she asked, and her mom replied, “I don’t know why I cut the ends off, but it’s what my mom always did. Why don’t you ask your Grandma?” The mom may have said this because she did not think she had the time to think about it. Which is always a mistake. We always have time to think. We just think we do not.
So the young girl called her grandmother on the phone and said, “Grandma why do you cut the ends off the pot roast before cooking it?” Her grandmother replied, “I don’t know. That’s just the way my mom always cooked it. Why don’t you ask her?”
Undeterred, the girl called her great grandmother, who was living in a nursing home and asked her the same question. “Why did you cut the ends off the pot roast before cooking it? (I’m sure she said hello great grandma, how are you, before asking her the question. Being smart is not the same as being rude. In fact, the smartest people are often the kindest and most compassionate.)
And her great grandmother did not reply, “I cut off the ends of the pot roast because that’s what my mother did.” And she did not say because it makes the meat juicier. She said, “When I was first married we had a very small oven, and the pot roast didn’t fit in the oven unless I cut the ends off.”
This got me thinking about the different patterns that are formed between people and the story’s we have for them.
For example: When I was married (now divorced), it was my first time living with a guy that I was in a relationship with. The first time I made the bed I threw the pillows on the floor and I got my first taste of how different our patterns were. He was like, “Umm What are you doing?” I stared at him for a moment thinking of how obvious it was that I was making the bed. I did not understand his question. Until he finally informed me that I should never put the pillows on the floor when making the bed because the floor is dirty. I was confused because I always made my bed the same way.
Side note: Mom – if your reading this I know what you are thinking. I never made my bed. Which is true! But WHEN I did make the bed, I violently threw the pillows on the floor because I was angry about having to make the bed. And that just stuck with me.
After the pillow incident with my ex, I started to learn very quickly that we have different ways of doing a lot of things. I always thought his reasoning was wrong and he always thought mine was. It felt weird and uncomfortable to do anything different then what I grew up with and what I was used to.
Isn’t it true though? Have you ever thought about how many patterns we learn growing up and how many we passed on to our kids? Not that all patterns are bad. It is just …interesting. Like, how to best store leftovers in the fridge: Is it ok to wrap pizza in aluminum foil instead of Tupperware? Is leaving water in the sink for hours “just incase” someone wants to wash a dish a bad thing? What about sleeping with the TV on, filling your gas tank when it is only half empty, or the never-ending battle of the toilet paper roll?! Not to mention holiday traditions and the never-ending battle of the toilet paper roll? So many things!
Here is my point. Patterns of behavior are a way of life.
We like patterns. Patterns are familiar. And our brain is always seeking for what is familiar. Which is why when I used to see a bath towel in the closet that was rolled instead of folded, I would feel a little pinch of irritation running through my body.
Now, if our brains can get that triggered by incorrect towel formation, imagine how difficult it is to change the pattern of eating, spending, gossiping, people pleasing, complaining, procrastinating, being on time, FILL IN THE BLANK!
Think about how you socialize. Was it always around food growing up? If so – giving up eating out may feel uncomfortable because that means you are also giving up socializing. Without even thinking of new ways to socialize you instantly shut down the ridiculous suggestion! (or is that just me?)
A lot patterns are simply family patterns that have been passed down. Your assignment is to consider which family patterns have been passed down to you and decide if they are good, bad or neutral. If they are good – celebrate! And thank your mama or caregiver 😊 . If you aren’t happy with them, how can you change them?
It would be fun to hear from you what patterns you have that are passed down. Please share if you like!
Your Life Coach – Traci