Most of my life, I was driven by the need for validation and being enough. Validation that I was good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, fun enough, loved enough. Being rejected was the single worse thing that could happen to me. I still remember the moments vividly growing up when I was rejected by a group, or a boy, or someone I wanted to befriend. My go-to self-sabotaging thought was that I was not good enough, fun enough or pretty enough for people to like me.
In grade school I had freckles and red hair that was natural curly and completely out of control. Not like the girls in grade school that had the Farrah Faucet feathered hair. Obviously, it was the 70’s so perfectly feathered hair was always the goal.
In junior high, my self-doubt about being pretty enough was in full force because junior high is when it really started to matter! I was always self-conscious about my hair. It was always the hair! If only I had better hair, I would be pretty! And people who are pretty do not get rejected. (I was naïve)
High school was better. I felt maybe 20% better about my myself but I was never as pretty as all of my friends. That is how my brain worked back then. When I had a moment in which I felt pretty, I would recognize someone else that looked MUCH prettier than me and go back into thinking “You are not pretty enough”.
These insecure thoughts always start from somewhere. I believe mine started in 3rd grade. I was rejected by a group of kids at a summer camp. I could not understand why so I made something up in my head. That’s what we do. When we do not know the answer to “Why” – our brain will make it up. My brain’s answer to why these kids were rejecting me was that I was not pretty enough, fun enough or good enough. And it carried with me throughout my whole childhood!
Sometimes all it takes is one event in your life to become incredibly insecure. One bad “summer camp -like” experience can shape everything in your life. The reason is because it is the job of the brain to evaluate events in your life as either good or bad with a reason attached to it. For example, if you burn your hand on a hot oven, the memory is stored as bad. Therefore, when you see an oven your brain reminds you – “Don’t forget – the oven might be hot!” Or, when being introduced to a new group of people it may remind you, “Don’t forget you might be rejected because you are not pretty enough.”
As kids, the “meanings” we put behind things are generally not accurate. We do not know any better because our brains are not fully developed. And without a fully developed brain, there is no way for us to create rational meanings. The good news is that as adults we can, and we must. We have the ability with a full functioning brain to create NEW meanings.
The truth is…
Those kids at summer camp came as a group together, therefore, they didn’t need to meet anyone new.
The truth is…
We were 9 years old! Not exactly a mature enough age to be thinking about anyone but ourselves.
The truth is…
If I showed up with a group of my friends, I might not have been interested in meeting anyone new either.
The truth is…
Their exclusion of me did not have anything to do with me and it most certainly did not have anything to do with my hair and not being pretty enough.
What events in your life require reprogramming? What are the insecure thoughts you have about yourself? The ones that have been around the longest. The one’s that come up for you the most. Where did they start? Create a meaning around that event that makes sense as an adult. You owe it to your younger self to set the record straight and to once and for all – set yourself free!
Your Life Coach – Traci