I am Afraid to Die

I am afraid to die.

I do not want to die. And I have no reason to believe that it will happen anytime soon.

Six months before I turned 50 I realized I had more time behind me than ahead of me. I had so many emotions around it. Fear –Sadness – Anger. I was consumed in thinking about it.

“Someday I am going to die”

I thought about how much I took being in my 20’s and 30’s for granted. It took until I was 47 years old before I had a life I really loved. I was in the best relationship I ever had. I had a daughter I was proud of and a career that I loved. All ingredients for a happy life! But I could only focus on how long it took me to get there and how much I wish I had this life 20 years ago, so I had more time to enjoy it.

“Someday I am going to die.”

The thought in my head playing over and over like a record. I thought about all the things I wish I had done differently. I thought about people who I have loved in my life who I lost contact with because I took “time” for granted. I thought about what will happen to my daughter when I am gone. She is an only child and we are close. I cannot imagine leaving her. I was grieving every single day. I was grieving the loss of my life and I was not even dead yet! What is wrong with me?

Then one day as I was in my depressive, pity party, completely irrational grieving state I was looking through Facebook and a memory came up. It was a video I had created for breast cancer awareness the previous year. In the video I added pictures of 5 of my friends who had Breast Cancer. Two of those pictures were friends of mine that had died of cancer and the other 3 pictures where of friends who survived. All of them experiencing the real possibility that they could in fact die. They had a valid reason to fear it while I had nothing! I had no valid reason what so ever to be in this ridiculously selfish state.

What the HELL was I doing?

I must have watched that video 20 times allowing the faces of those brave women sear into my heart and soul. My friends who had passed – both named Lori (pictured below) – were missed so much. I loved them both. They were so full of life. They loved to laugh, loved to have fun, and loved their lives all the way up until it was taken from them.

That was the day I stopped regretting things from the past, stop obsessing about my age, stopped my pity party and stared feeling grateful that I have the chance to make a remarkable future. I still have a chance to build memories with my daughter, enjoy my relationship with Jeff and leave a legacy behind.

How selfish was I to be focusing on my impending death, as opposed to having gratitude that I am alive

TODAY when my friends are not. It was almost laughable. No – it WAS laughable. I remember feeling silly in that moment. I shed a tear for my friends who I miss so much and made a vow to them that I will live the rest of my life being grateful for every single day with them in my heart and soul. I changed the focus on my business a few days later. If I was feeling that way about growing older surly there are others. That gave my life a new refreshed purpose.

For as long as I am living I will make a difference. For as long as I am living, I will create new memories not dwell on old ones. For as long as I am living, I will be happy not sad. For as long as I am living, I will be grateful not regretful. For as long as I am living I will focus on LIFE not death.

What will you do…for as long as YOU are living?

Your Life Coach – Traci