How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Are you a people pleaser? 

According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary – a people pleaser is “A person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires”. 

Still unsure? This may help. You may be a people pleaser if you say yes to the following:

• Do you have a fear of rejection or abandonment?
• Are you are often concerned about what other people are thinking of you? 
• You are not good at setting boundaries which means you rarely say no. 
• Do you crave approval from others?
• In relationships, do you give WAY MORE than what you get?
• Are you neglectful of your own needs?
• Do you feel resentful and exhausted from taking care of others? 

If you said yes to a few, or many, of these, you are likely a people pleaser.

Why am I a People Pleaser?

In my five years of being a life coach, I have found that most often people pleasing behavior comes from a fear of abandonment and/or the fear of losing love. If, as a child, you experienced feeling pain from abandonment or the perception of abandonment you will do almost anything to not feel that pain again. And if, as a child, you learn that one of those ways is to always be accommodating to others, it becomes a part of life. Even as you enter adulthood – your maturity has grown but the old coping mechanism since childhood remains. Over time, it has cemented itself into your world like a life preserver, saving you from pain but causing massive internal resentment towards others and yourself when you feel the only way to be loved and/or to not feel pain is to constantly say yes to others. 

The behavior of masking pain through people pleasing does not only come from the fear of abandonment, it can come from insecurities and low self-esteem mixed in with a longing to be accepted and to fit in. When the belief that saying no would cause conflict or cause you to not fit into the group is mixed in with low self esteem and insecurities, it is a perfect recipe for people pleasing tendencies.   

How do I stop being a people pleaser? 

First – seek professional help from a therapist or life coach. 

There may be childhood trauma that is causing the insecurity that is compounding the fear of abandonment and/or not feeling accepted or loved.  

Second – Change your perspective.

Recognize that this behavior is not good for you nor is it an authentic or genuine characteristic trait. People pleasers have big hearts and love deeply but the act of always saying “YES” is ingenious because of the motive behind the “yes”.  After the “yes”,  you may feel resentment towards others or yourself for giving up your time in that way. You may feel like people take advantage of you when you have simply created this yourself. People recognize you never say no so why would they stop asking you to do things? You are a loving and genuinely nice person. However, how “nice” is it to say yes to something and then later feel mad or resentment for having to do it. The best way to honor yourself, as well as your, friends, family, co-workers or peers is to learn to say no.    

Third – A slow yes is better than a quick Yes. Give yourself time to be introspective. 

Use these questions below to decipher if the request is something you really WANT to do independent of your people pleasing behavior: 

• Am I saying yes because I have a fear that they will be mad at me if I say no? 
• Is there something else I would rather be doing with that time that is for myself? 
• If I say yes, is there a chance I will resent doing it later? 
• Do I have the energy for this? 

How to say no

People pleasers have a great big heart. You love deeply and do not want to hurt other people’s feelings. Therefore, being direct in how you really feel is not a strong suit. Here are some ways to say no that honor’s your beautiful heart: 

• “That project sounds interesting but I’m afraid I do not have the time to give it the attention it deserves.”
• “Thank you for asking me. I’d love to but my plate is full right now.”
• “I wish I could but at this time I am working on other projects.” 
• “I would love to help you but unfortunately, I do not have the time right now.”

Remember – if people go away because you are no longer saying YES – be thankful that you are finding out who your real friends are. Surrounding yourself with people who genuinely care about YOU – not just what you can do for them – is one of the best ways to gain self confidence and self love. Your needs are as important as anyone else’s!  

Your Life Coach – Traci