Feeling rejected hurts! It can leave you feeling insecure, depressed, and stuck. Fear of rejection can show up in relationships, career, family, friendships and even situations where there are strangers present. Inclusion is an important humanist desire. It means that you belong, that you matter and that you are important to the group. All it takes is one situation in which you felt rejected for your mind to be flooded with negative self-talk. It can keep you from wanting to try new things and keep you from pursing your destiny.
Feelings of rejection generally starts in childhood when we do not have the capabilities to rationalize the exclusion. We believe at the time that the exclusion is about us. There must be something wrong with me. I am not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. Experiences like this and the meaning you applied to the experience are stored in the unconscious mind. (Rejection = Not being enough = Pain)
The unconscious mind uses this experience to alert you when the possibility of rejection is present. It sounds like a whisper in your thoughts.
“Watch out – you are walking into a place where no one knows you – you have feelings of being rejected which means you are not enough. You should consider aborting this mission.”
“Watch out – you are applying for this job that may result in being rejected. Rejection means pain. – you should consider aborting this mission.
“Watch out – dating could result in feelings of being rejected. Rejections means you are not enough and causes pain – Abort mission!”
This fear can keep you from moving forward and excelling in your life. It can keep you from finding an amazing relationship. It can keep you from chasing your dreams.
Are you ready to stop the madness and face your fear?
Here are 3 tips on how you can manage your fear of rejection and move courageously into creating a life that you love.
1.Understand where it all started.
When was the first time you remember feeling rejected? As children, our brains are not developed enough to put a rational meaning behind experiences in our life. Specifically, experiences that cause us pain.
My first experience with feeling rejected came from my stepdad. My mom married him when I was around 5 years old. He was a quiet man who did not talk to me much. He did not acknowledge my presence unless I was doing something wrong. From the time I was 5 until I was 17 I do not remember having any conversations with him. I only remember random moments of him telling me when I was doing something wrong. I would always yell back at him. We were great at arguing with each other. This is where is all started for me.
2. Understand what meaning you put around the feeling of being rejected.
Now that you understand where your feelings of being rejected started, it is important to understand the meaning you put around that situation. If you have a hard time remembering because you were so young – think about your insecurities growing up. Because once a meaning is instilled in the unconscious mind it stays with us into adulthood. Chances are high that if you have feelings of not being enough or worthy of good things or good relationships, etc.. – it started with this situation.
The meaning I put behind the relationship with my stepdad was that I wasn’t smart and do not make good decisions because of the way he yelled at me. I also felt like I wasn’t enough for him to love me. This meaning carried into my adult years and when anyone would insinuate that I had done something wrong my reaction was defensive. My brain was programmed as a child to “fight back”. I often felt and responded like a child. The insecurity I felt about “always being wrong” led me to making decisions that did not challenge me or help me grow. I was afraid to be “found out” that I wasn’t smart. This thought was so deep rooted in my unconscious that it wasn’t until I started to do work on myself through Tony Robbins that it was discovered why I held myself back. Knowing this was a game changer!
3. Create a new meaning
The first thing I needed to do to alleviate the my insecurity was to create a new meaning around it. Like I said above, a lot of our fear of rejection starts when we are children. That is because the prefrontal cortex that is responsible for insight, emotional regulation, and fear modulation is the last to develop. In fact, it does not fully develop until we are 25-27 years old. As adults, it is our responsibility to reflect on the meanings of experiences we created as kids and apply rational thought.
My stepdad was the oldest of 5 kids growing up. His father died when he was young, and he took care of his mom and siblings. His father was extremely hard on him. It was his form of showing love. My stepdad did not have a good role model to show him how to be a good father. My stepdad was a hardworking man – generally working at least two jobs at a time when I was growing up. He was in a new marriage with my mom who had two small children. He did not know how to “be” with kids. It was out of his comfort zone.
He did not want me to eat ice cream before dinner. He didn’t want me to leave a mess in the kitchen. He didn’t want me to sneak listening to his albums without asking first. He didn’t yell at me because I wasn’t smart. The new meaning, I have is that his poor upbringing created who he was. But it was not about me. It was never about me. My little child brain and lack of proper meaning made it about me. Did he have to yell at me? No. Do I wish he had been nicer to me. Yes. But wishing and hoping for another outcome is pointless.
Once I let go of this attachment with “not being smart or not being enough” to how my stepdad treated me, I felt compassion for my stepdad. I felt free. I felt light. I felt self-love.
I will never be “over” this fear. And neither will you. This is because it is a part of the unconscious mind. Thoughts that live in the unconscious are not easily changed.
The good news is that although you cannot stop this fear from arising again – you can manage it. When it show’s itself in the form of a whisper in your thoughts – create your own empowering thoughts. When the whisper says you can’t – tell it you can! When the whisper says you are not enough – tell it you are! When the whisper says you can’t do it – tell it – “WATCH ME!”
Your Life Coach – Traci