Do you have people in your life who make you feel bad about yourself? Do you have people whose negative energy kills your positive vibe? Do you have people in your life who get their significance from having problems and use you as their problem dumping ground?
I want to help you set boundaries so that you can maintain a relationship (if you want to) while also protecting and taking care of your emotional well-being. Boundaries are simply “rules of engagement” to teach other people what you will not tolerate in their behavior. They can be spoken boundaries where you share the rule with the other party, or they can be silent boundaries.
A common concern with setting boundaries is that the other person will become confrontational. But boundary setting does not have to be a messy drama drama-filled experience. As a matter of fact, some boundaries can be created without the other person even knowing. These are the silent boundaries.
Step 1 – Boundary Creation
To create a boundary, you must have a strong identity and belief about what it is that you are not willing to tolerate in your life. An effective exercise to start the process is to answer the following questions.
Choose which scenario fits your situation:
- When (Person) acts/speaks to me in that way it makes me feel (?)
- When (Person) sets unrealistic expectations of me it makes me feel (?)
- When (Person) disrespects me by doing (blank) it makes me feel (?)
- Instead, I choose to feel (positive emotion)
- The action I will take when I feel someone shifting my emotional state is to do or say (?)
- Because I am the kind of person that does not tolerate (?)
- Setting boundaries with this person is in my best interest because (?)
Here is an example from a real client:
When my mom speaks to me in that way it makes me feel angry. Instead, I choose to feel peace and calm. Knowing that I have control over how I feel, the action I will take when I feel a shift in my emotional state is to peacefully excuse myself from the conversation. I will leave the house or end the phone call. Because I am the kind of person that does not tolerate people – especially my own mother – disrespecting me in that way. Setting boundaries with this person is in my best interest because I want to be happy in my life and not miserable like my mother.
Step 2 – Decide if your boundary will be spoken or silent.
If you are courageous and not concerned about confrontation, you will want to set a spoken boundary. It is common for the other person to become defensive. Do not allow yourself to be surprised by this. Expect it. Do not try to rationalize with the other person so that they will be more understanding. It very rarely happens. Just be clear in your definition of your boundary so there are no misunderstandings. Use the format above to gain clarity of your own first and then simply tell them what you are not willing to tolerate anymore. You must be clear about what the other person can expect from you if they violate the boundary. “If someone throws a fit because a boundary has been set, it is just more evidence that the boundary was needed” – Unknown.
You can also have a silent boundary if that makes you feel more comfortable. A silent boundary is one that you set for yourself and hold yourself accountable for without telling the other person.
Step 3 – Consistency or Bust
After the boundary is set, you MUST be consistent in the implementation. Consistency is important because in many situations the other person starts to change their behavior for the better if the consequence is always expected. In the example above the client set a silent boundary with her mother. But even though it was not verbally shared with her mom she was so consistent in implementing her boundary that eventually her mother caught on that when she says certain things to her daughter – her daughter ends the conversation. The client has noticed a considerable change in the way her mother now communicates with her due to consistency.
Consistency is even more important when it comes to the spoken boundaries. Consider it like you would if you were setting rules for children. If you set a rule for a child that they must pick up their toys before bedtime or they will not get a nighttime snack, but you do not enforce your own rule – kids will learn that even though you set a rule it is not always reinforced. Therefore, they will test the rule as much as possible. Consistency in the rules – with children and adults – is the way in which people learn how to treat you and how much they respect you. Less follow-through = less respect. Do not be afraid to dump people from your life completely if they do not serve as a positive influence. Ultimately, we become who we surround ourselves with. And happiness is hinged by the things that we tolerate.
What are you tolerating? Who are you tolerating? How can you benefit from setting a boundary? “Daring to set boundaries is about the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others” Brene Brown.